In our previous article, we introduced you to the concept of self-empathy as a prerequisite to empathizing with others. We also laid out possible circumstances in either personal or professional life where empathy is a useful skill to relate to other people and suggested skillful empathy as a basis to prevent or solve interpersonal tensions.
Self-empathy precedes empathizing with others and gives you the foundation to be able to do so.
But what is self-empathy? In essence, it is a deeply personal exploration of that which happens inside yourself. The self observing itself, experiencing itself, feeling itself. Through self-empathy, the self develops self-awareness.
Empathy, and similarly self-empathy, becomes useful to you and those you work with when it is applied as a means to an end. Attentive empathy based upon attentive self-empathy helps you to understand the thoughts, feelings and actions of others in order that you can interact with them in an efficient and effective manner. Hence, the outcome of the empathic and self-empathic interaction is better served if it is guided by a skilfully articulated intention.
By choosing to practice self-empathy, as a deeply personal exploration, you observe and integrate your own experiences. You bring awareness to your inner experiential, emotional- and mental state. A part of yourself observes the aspect of yourself that experiences in an empathic manner.
You create an openness to yourself by suspending judgments you may have about yourself (Jordan, 1994). In so doing you prepare an inner space that is open, expansive and receptive. The inner life may be noisy with random fragments of thought and feeling. The practice of self-empathy orders these fragments. Paradoxically, by bringing your mind into the inner world of your own experiences of thought and feeling, you also create a receptive space to the experiences of others.
Self-compassion involves recalibrating your internal voice from one that might be nagging or critical to one that is forgiving and understanding. It is also a great reminder that everyone messes up at some point, and failure isn't the worst thing that can happen. Strengthening self-compassion can reduce the fear of failure and derail self-doubt.
A second sample of the DVDs box presenting 22 hours worshops facilitated by Marshall Rosenberg during Intensive International Trainings. This sample is about Self Empathy.
In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations.
People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on).
This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.
Research suggests that fears of self-compassion can get in the way of growth. Developing compassion can help to facilitate change. Read a comprehensive overview here.
Self-compassion is a core aspect of self-care, and goes along with being able to be kind and curious toward oneself, rather than harsh and blaming. Arguably, feeling kind and nurturing toward oneself should be the rule and not the exception, gentle yet firm while holding oneself responsible, self-engaged and positive while self-governing, and generally upbeat and interested in learning and growth when life presents challenges, and relaxed and receptive when things are going well.
Compassion for others is essential for creating a social environment where warmth and collaboration set the stage for constructive navigation of conflict, and more enjoyable time together when things are going smoothly. Whether related to personal growth in general, or as a factor which can impede or facilitate psychotherapy in particular, compassion for others and oneself, and fears of compassion, are important to identify and work on in order to enjoy solid results.
There are many different leadership styles and qualities that make a good leader, but people tend to be most attracted to and influenced by leaders who are empathetic.
Start With Self-Empathy
How we feel about and relate to ourselves directly impacts how we relate to the world and interact with others. We tend to place the blame for difficult feelings, such as anger or jealousy, on the actions of other people or our surroundings. Most people assume that our feelings are the result of other people or external circumstances. However, our feelings actually arise based on whether we perceive our needs as being met.
When we perceive our basic human needs, including our need to be acknowledged and respected, as being addressed, we're content. When we perceive that they aren't being met, or that they are being under-addressed, that's when feelings of frustration, anger, sadness and jealousy emerge.
Raise your hand if you are a caregiver, either personally or professionally. Do you spend your days looking after the wellbeing of family, friends and/or clients? At the end of a long day or an even longer week, do you feel “all gived out”?
As a therapist and consummate caregiver in most of my relationships, I would often admit that my compassion meter was running a quart low. I would find myself feeling impatient and annoyed with the drama that swirled around me. That’s when I knew I needed to examine the areas in my life in which I was neglecting that which I was showering on others.
It might have occurred to you by now that the sorts of emotions described by Neff and other pioneers of self-compassion are not exactly universal. Listening to hours of these talks, and reading hundreds of pages of journal articles and books about self-compassion,
I sometimes found myself wondering whether any of these people has ever talked to the checkout lady at Walmart (assuming they've been to their local Walmart or live within 20 minutes of one).
Most Americans don't have time for existential crises occasioned by a loss of faith in karma, as Neff tells us she experienced towards the end of her Ph.D. at Berkeley, just before her divorce from a man who was "extremely skeptical" of her commitment to various New Age practices. Indeed, many of us outside Silicon Valley can't "Put this card down and do something kind" for ourselves because we are too broke.
Usually confused with compassion, empathy is the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions, or more simply stated, it is the ability to share someone else's feelings. Whereas compassion might lean more toward action to alleviate someone's pain (like sending food when someone gets sick), empathy means you make attempts to understand a person's perspectives, decisions, and motivations for their actions.
Empathy has been called a vicarious experience—if your friend is feeling betrayed, you too will experience a feeling of betrayal in your body; if they are elated, you too will feel happy. Feeling empathy is to tune into another person's emotions.
“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” ~Kristin Neff
I consider myself to be a very compassionate person, but I’ve struggled a great deal with self-compassion. Though I’ve now been sober for over six years, back when I was drinking I made a lot of mistakes, and it’s taken me a long time to have empathy and understanding for myself.
While drinking, I did and said a lot of things that made me feel ashamed and unhappy. When I drank, one of my go-to moves was giving into a sudden, intense desire to leave (or attempt to leave) a bar or party.
Self compassion can be difficult but worth it - as we become more self compassionate we can cultivate compassion for others more easily. Try these ideas to get started.
Working with others to provide an encouraging presence or a healing space requires providing a conducive environment for the person you are working with or caring for. This helps them to get in touch with themselves and how they think, feel and do things. Equally, transforming yourself in response to the person you are working with requires creating a space conducive for you to explore more about yourself.
This too, is self-empathy. You are encouraged to be in touch with your experiences and this includes how you think, feel and do things in your work context.
Judgment is a function of our belief system. Our context elicits thoughts and emotions which we experience internally and then give meaning to, linking it to the belief system we have in place. In other words, emotions and cognitions shape our beliefs.
Our beliefs also filter the perspective we have on any given situation. Because we believe in right and wrong we judge certain events or behaviours to be either right or wrong. In this way, judgment prevents us from being open to the range of possibilities with which we can experience life. This is why there is such an emphasis on suspending judgment in (self-)empathy. Suspending judgment means that for the time being, you lay aside your own views and values in order to enter the inner and outer world without prejudice.
Are you your own worst enemy? It is very rare for depression to exist without a certain amount of ‘self-bullying’. Depression is a bully, and it preys on and reinforces the habit of self-bullying. To beat depression, you need to sort your inner bully out! Self-compassion is a skill that you can learn and practice without having to actually ‘believe’ it at first – we can train our minds to bring greater compassion to all our thoughts and feelings.
Here are 3 main elements of self – compassion
Self Kindness Vs. Self Judgement – When we as people treat ourselves with more respect and warmth, compared to self-criticism and unrealistic expectations, we can then have a greater understanding and sympathy for our own realities and emotions.
This science-based workbook by Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer offers a step-by-step approach to breaking free of harsh self-judgments and impossible standards in order to cultivate emotional well-being.
The workbook includes thought-provoking exercises, meditations you can do on your own at home or as a supplement to the 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion program.
In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations.
People feel compassion for themselves because all human beings deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, talented, and so on).
This means that with self-compassion, you don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about yourself.
Want to expand your needs vocabulary, and build your capacity to identify needs — even when you’ve been triggered? Check out Mary’s powerful teaching on Self-Empathy.
We live in a culture that reveres self-confidence and self-assuredness, but as it turns out, there may be a better approach to success and personal development: self-compassion. While self-confidence makes you feel better about your abilities, it can also lead you to vastly overestimate those abilities.
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Self-compassion, on the other hand, encourages you to acknowledge your flaws and limitations, allowing you to look at yourself from a more objective and realistic point of view. Both have merits, but many experts believe that self-compassion includes the advantages of self-confidence without the drawbacks.
During a self-compassion meditation, I sensed Leslie shifting uncomfortably in her seat. She breathed heavily from time to time. But when the meditation ended, her face had changed; the anger and resistance had dissolved and tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Through her sobs, Leslie explained that she didn’t want to be here, that all her friends were together at a football game and her mom made her come to this class. We breathed with her during her story and welcomed her tidal wave of emotions. In the course, we always allow emotions to be present, no matter how overwhelming, in an effort to help teens learn how to deal with them.
So another popular belief is that it helps our ability to relate to others too; if we’re no longer caught up in our pasts, futures and general mess that is our lives, that leaves space to think of other people’s emotions, surely?
According to one study, this isn’t the case at all – for narcissists, anyway.
In fact, while practicing mindfulness can help non-narcissists foster empathy with others a little bit, if you’re a narcissist it’ll lessen that ability.
Researchers at the University of Amsterdam took 161 adult volunteers and, after assessing their levels of narcissistic and autistic traits, divided them into three groups.
When a close friend shares bad news, our instinct is to help. But putting ourselves in a friend's shoes, imagining how we would feel if we were the one suffering, may have detrimental effects on our own health, according to a new study led by the University of Pennsylvania's Anneke E. K. Buffone. She is the lead research scientist of the World Well-Being Project in the School of Arts & Sciences' Positive Psychology Center.
The research, published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, finds that our bodies respond differently depending on the perspective we take when helping someone who is suffering. Stepping into the perspective of the suffering person leads to a health-threatening physiological response, while reflecting on how the suffering person might feel leads to a health-promoting response.
Two weeks ago, I had the joy of sharing my recent trip to our son’s wedding, which was made possible by the generosity of others. During my trip to Houston, I met with a friend of mine who is also a counselor, Jennifer Christian. She interviewed me for her podcast about being compassionate with ourselves as we go through difficult times. As pulmonary fibrosis patients, we sure know about going through tough times!
Jennifer asked me to share how I developed PF and how my life has changed, and about my commitment to being a good friend to myself as I walk this difficult journey. You can listen to part one of the podcast here.
Feeling stressed out? Having self-compassion—and not being so hard on yourself—may be the key to surviving and thriving during challenging times, according to a new study. University students who reported increases in self-compassion during their first year at school also felt more energetic, optimistic, and engaged, researchers found.
The first year of college can be full of unexpected stressors. So Canadian researchers wanted to see if students’ levels of self-compassion would help them cope. They recruited 189 freshmen and had them each fill out a questionnaire, at the beginning of the school year and again five months later.
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